


quietus

by chtkwn (mooshu)



Series: disorderly au [8]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Autism, M/M, Minor Character Death, Neurodiversity, autistic!leo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-04 06:38:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6645430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooshu/pseuds/chtkwn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Tomorrow is never promised.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	quietus

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DarkFallen13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkFallen13/gifts).



> a request made by [DarkFallen13](http://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkFallen13)\- taekwoon experiencing the death of a close friend. thank you for requesting! it might not be exactly what you were hoping for but hopefully i still did not disappoint c:
> 
> warnings: death and talks/thoughts abt death obvi, some ableism

Taekwoon does not like hospitals very much. He has not so good memories involving them-- doctors holding him down when he was a child and giving him shots as he screamed, that time a few years ago when he got really dehydrated, and now this one that he's making as he visits Joo in the hospital because she's sick. 

She had to have lung surgery last week for a sickness she has, but it didn't go well so now she's even sicker than before, that's what Hakyeon told him. She's not been able to work at the library for a few weeks now, so her cousin has took her place at the moment. Taekwoon doesn't like him. He talks really loud and doesn't let Taekwoon take breaks in his spinny chair that's in Joo's office, and calls him 'the handicapped boy'. He doesn't like that word.

Taekwoon is Joo's favorite employee so that's why he's invited to visit her in the hospital when no one else is, besides her own family of course. 

Before their visit, Hakyeon sits down with him. "She's really sick," he says. Taekwoon knows that already though. "She might look different, and she has machines that help her breath, right?" 

Taekwoon nods. Him and Hakyeon go on Google then and looks at pictures of the machines so they'll be less frightening when they visit. They don't look  _too_ scary, but Taekwoon guesses it's very scary for Joo. He can't imagine having to need a machine to breath. It's silly but he tries to think of it like a friendly robot that's helping you find your breath again, and then he feels a bit better about it. Maybe he'll tell Joo and she'll feel better also. She likes robots.

Eventhough Hakyeon talked to him and they looked at pictures together, Taekwoon's nervous about visiting. He still goes because Joo wants to see him and he wants to see her too. He misses her at the library.

Taekwoon hates hospitals so much-- as soon as they walk in, the smell hits him and he feels nauseous. Just seeing the doctors with their long coats and stethoscopes hanging from their necks as they walk the halls, a wheelchair sitting here and there, the bright blinding white of everything is so overwhelming. Taekwoon closes his eyes and has Hakyeon to hold his hand to lead him to where they need to be.

Joo's room is on the eighth floor, so they have to ride on the elevator. Elevators used to make Taekwoon scream but not anymore, because screaming is  _overreacting_. 

"Are you sure?" Hakyeon asks him one last time as they're standing outside of Joo's room.

"I'm sure," he answers, but not really. Taekwoon's never sure about anything, even when he says he is.

When they go in, it's not as bad as Taekwoon thought it was going to be. Joo is in bed, asleep, and she looks really pale but that's it. Her daughter is with her and introduces herself to him and Hakyeon. "She's gonna be so happy to see you," she whispers. They whisper so they won't wake Joo up. She needs rest.

The machine that helps her breathe is called a _ventilator_ , and like Taekwoon thought-- it isn't that scary looking, but it is loud. He's glad Hakyeon reminded him to bring his headphones. He puts them on to block out some of the noise, and sits there and counts the floor tiles as Hakyeon and Joo's daughter talks for a while.

He waits for Joo to wake up-- but she never does. She must be really sleepy. An hour goes by and her daughter offers to wake her up, but Hakyeon tells her they'll come back again the next day and see if she's awake then so they won't disturb her from her resting.

Taekwoon's a little disappointed but he understands. He leaves the Get Well Soon card they bought for her on her bedside table, and waves goodbye eventhough she can't see him.

"Maybe tomorrow," Hakyeon tells him as they walk back towards the elevators.

Taekwoon nods. "Maybe tomorrow," he parrots.

 

-

 

Tomorrow is never promised, that's what Taekwoon's father used to say all the time when he was a child. He really didn't understand it back then. Of course tomorrow is promised, he thought. There's always a tomorrow, because if there wasn't time would just end, and time never ends. Now he knows that's not true. Time ends for everyone at some point, and it's true tomorrow doesn't come for them.

It's a workday today, the tomorrow of yesterday, which is so confusing to think about for a while. Taekwoon wakes up super early like usual, feeds Bibi and himself breakfast, then showers for work. He used to look forward to going to the library, but now that Joo's cousin is the Head Librarian until she gets better he doesn't like it all that much. He hopes she returns soon. 

Hakyeon is awake when Taekwoon goes back to their room and gets dressed. He's sitting in bed, and he looks odd. Usually he's bright in the morning, singing or mocking the birds outside by whistling, but not now. It makes Taekwoon worry for a short bit-- he hopes Hakyeon isn't getting sick or something. He hates when Hakyeon is sick.

"Come sit with me," he suggests as Taekwoon's finishing getting dressed.

Taekwoon shakes his head. "I have to work."

"You can skip work today."

That confuses Taekwoon. "Why?" he asks. Maybe Hakyeon really is sick, and needs him to stay at home and care for him. 

"Just sit," he insists, so Taekwoon does.

"Are you sick?" he asks, poking Hakyeon's cheek.

Hakyeon shakes his head. "There's something I have to tell you," he says, and takes Taekwoon's hands. His voice is solemn, Taekwoon doesn't like it. It's a bit scary and he's filled with dread, because usually when someone tells you they need to tell you something it's almost always bad. 

"Hana - Joo's daughter - called me while you were in the shower," Hakyeon continues. "Last night, just a few hours after we left-- Joo... passed away. In her sleep." 

Hakyeon's eyes are watery, and his words doesn't make sense. Well, they do, but Taekwoon is having a hard time processing them because Joo can't be passed away. She was asleep and they were supposed to go see her this evening when she woke up, and she had to read the Get Well Soon card and give him some of that cinnamon hard candy she always carries in her purse. She can't pass away.

"Liar," Taekwoon says.

Hakyeon gasps. "I'm not lying. I would never lie about something so terrible, especially to you," he answers, giving Taekwoon's hand a squeeze. "I'm sorry, Taekwoon."

Taekwoon knows. He knows Hakyeon isn't lying, but it's easier to pretend that he is. He also knows that pretending won't do any good, and that Joo is still gone even when he can pretend she's not. 

He gets up from the bed and leaves then, because he needs to be alone.

 

-

 

Taekwoon lays curled up in the bathtub for a long time, thinking about everything. 

He can't wrap his head around it - death and dying. It's hard to understand how it works, being here and alive one moment then the next just, not. How does that feel? Do you know you're dead? Do you know the exact moment you stop being here, and cross over into Heaven? Taekwoon isn't religious but he's always liked the idea of Heaven because there's all good things, no bad things, and you grow wings that turn you into an angel.

Joo died in her sleep, so she must have woken up in Heaven. How confusing and terrifying that must be, to fall asleep alive and then wake up dead. Taekwoon can't bear the thought of it, as well as the thought of Joo not being here. Not just absent from work, but absent from life itself. It's so strange because he's seen her nearly everyday for years now, and now he won't be seeing her again at all. 

One of the worst parts is that he didn't get to see her beforehand. Taekwoon was her favorite employee, and she asked for him specifically but never got to see him visit her. The last time they saw each other was two days before her lung surgery, the last day she was at the library. If Taekwoon had known it was going to be the last time, he would've talked to her more, gave her a hug, ask for a lot of those cinnamon candies.

Time always passes by quickly whenever Taekwoon lays in the tub and gets deep into his thoughts. Hakyeon, who must have skipped work today as well, knocks at lunchtime and asks if he wants anything to eat but Taekwoon tells him to go away. It seems like no time at all passes before there's knocking again at dinner time.

"I ordered chicken," Hakyeon tells him.

Taekwoon loves chicken, and he is feeling a little hungry so he finally gets out the tub to go eat. He's sore from laying in the hard tub literally all day. He's going to regret that.

Dinner is quiet. Hakyeon tries to talk to Taekwoon a few times, but he doesn't feel like talking. He just stuffs chicken in his mouth so he can avoid answering. He eats double chicken tonight because he didn't have lunch, and food is so good it helps distract him from his thoughts. That's called  _emotional eating_ , his doctor told him last month.

Taekwoon might even eat triple chicken, but when he reaches for another piece Hakyeon closes the box. "Let's save some for tomorrow," he suggests.

Taekwoon doesn't want to do that. "No," he answers, but Hakyeon ignores him. It makes him really angry. He tries to count to ten inside his head to calm himself down but it doesn't work, and he has to bite his lip to keep from screaming. He takes his arm instead, and with one swift move he knocks the box down onto the floor. The remaining food spills out.

Then he starts crying. 

He's not crying about the food though, he doesn't really care about that. Hakyeon knows as well. He steps over the mess that's now on the floor, and takes him into his arms the best he can. Taekwoon cries into his shirt as Hakyeon pets his hair and tries to comfort him. He tells him that everything's okay, Joo's in 'a better place' now and wouldn't want Taekwoon to be so sad and angry. Taekwoon's a little bit selfish and would rather Joo be here than in the better place.

Hakyeon coddles Taekwoon for the rest of the evening. He carries him to bed like a baby and gives him a piece of chocolate cheesecake, eventhough Taekwoon shouldn't have dessert because he ate double chicken. He eats it anyway.

 

-

 

Taekwoon doesn't go to the library the next day, and then the next day. He's not sure if he can return without Joo being there. Her cousin is not a good Head Librarian like she was. She was a more than just a librarian though, she was Taekwoon's good friend and a nice 'normal' person, which is hard to find. Hakyeon promises to speak with Joo's cousin as soon as he can, and see if he's willing to accommodate to Taekwoon's requests. He only has two-- don't call him handicapped, and let him have at least two breaks in his spinny chair each day. That's it. 

They're both invited to the funeral, but Taekwoon doesn't go because funerals are scary and everyone cries at them. He also doesn't wear suits or fancy dress shirts because they're too uncomfortable. So he stays at home alone, and plays around with Bibi and the praying mantis he finds in the bush outside their house. Bibi bites its head off though.

He gives the praying mantis a funeral then, dedicated to Joo since he didn't go to hers. He digs a small hole in the backyard and puts the (now headless) praying mantis in it. He feels bad now, because it's kind of his fault it died. He should have known better than to let Bibi play with it.

Taekwoon's still sitting next to the miniature grave when Hakyeon comes back from Joo's funeral. "I have good news," he says, sitting down next to Taekwoon. People usually don't come back from funerals with 'good news', so Taekwoon's a bit confused. "I was talking to Hana. She's going to be the new Head Librarian! The other guy was just there temporarily. She's happy to fulfill your requests, isn't that good?"

Taekwoon nods. That's very good. Hana was nice to him at the hospital, so maybe she will be a good Head Librarian. Not like Joo was, but still. He can go back to work now, and that makes him feel happy, something he hasn't been for three days. He's glad he won't have to quit the library.

Hakyeon points towards the little grave. "What's this?" he questions.

"Praying mantis grave," Taekwoon replies, patting it with his hand. 

"Oh." Hakyeon mimics him, patting the little dirt mound as well. He reaches over for something in the grass, a tiny rock. He places it on the grave. "Its headstone."

The headstone makes the grave look complete. Taekwoon's happy again, because now the praying mantis has a proper burial. Maybe its like Joo and is in a better place now, like in Heaven. That's a nice thought.

"So you're okay?" Hakyeon asks.

Taekwoon nods. He's not fully okay though, just a little, which is better than none at all. And he knows from experience, that eventually he'll be fully okay again. He always is.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry joo ;_; 
> 
> if you have any requests/ideas/questions/etc leave 'em for me - my [tumblr](http://taekah.tumblr.com)


End file.
